Trying new things can be hard. Especially if we are not accustomed to stepping outside of our comfort zone regularly. Therefore, if you have never attended a yoga studio before, it might feel nerve wracking. You may even find yourself thinking some of the following…
I'm all too familiar with staying in a 'safe space' of what is familiar or comfortable but I've learnt over the years that I need to become comfortable with discomfort (although this is a daily practice). Particularly when it comes to trying new things. We might stay in our comfort zone for many reasons: fear of looking silly, fear of failure, fear of judgement, fear of truly being seen, fear of not living in the box that we have put ourselves in, or that others have put us in (how obedient of us!) The list goes on. I've discovered however, that once we courageously push through a fear, it's amazing how the force of that fear loses momentum and we realise that the worst part of the experience was fear itself. Often the outcome is a lot more underwhelming than we might have thought! You might ask yourself, Why on earth was I so afraid? The good news is, for that bravery we are usually rewarded in some way. Whether its learning a new skill, building confidence in a certain area, making a new connection, gaining respect for ourselves or from others, or even learning a lesson if things don't go the way we had hoped. Most importantly we strengthen our courage 'muscle' 💪
Over the past couple of years I've been studying the practice of self-compassion. Before I started delving into this topic, I probably couldn’t have given you a clear definition of what this term really meant. It sounded lovely in my head but I didn’t really have the understanding of what it really was to put it into words. Kristen Neff PhD is a pioneer in this topic and what I've written below is inspired by her comprehensive work that she has done on the topic of compassion. SO, what is self-compassion? Self compassion is the sum of three components: Mindfulness Self-Kindness Common Humanity When we practise self compassion we are treating ourselves like we would a dear friend and becoming an ally for ourselves (self-kindness). This doesn’t mean that we are ‘letting’ ourselves get away with destructive behaviour as an important distinction is that we are practising self compassion with wisdom. Self compassion allows us to acknowledge our suffering by turning towards it (mindfulness), offering ourselves kindness and understanding, acknowledging that we all suffer (common humanity) and then moving forward. It is a practice which means it isn’t always easy and we can experience distress upon offering ourselves self compassion. This can be a good sign and it is something that needs to be worked with via allowing, reducing or regulating. Why is it useful? Self compassion is useful because it allows us to free ourselves from ourselves. Meaning, our harsh inner critic is often the one that is holding us back in life. For example it might hold us back from trying new things. Our inner critic might tell us that we aren’t capable of something or that we are a bad person for making a mistake which could cause us to feel unworthy of love or connection with others. When we are able to greet ourselves like a friend, from a genuine place, we are more likely to move about the world with ease. When we do inevitably fail or slip up, which we all do, we are able to pick ourselves back up with kindness and brush ourselves off by acknowledging the pain, learning from it, but then moving on without ruminating or prolonging suffering. Self compassion is also useful, as it means that we are more likely to take personal responsibility for actions and avoid repeating mistakes - which is backed up by research findings. It also allows us to acknowledge that we are connected to all other living beings and that we must practice compassion towards others as they are imperfect just like ourselves.
PJ • Jun 05, 2023
10 ways to show others that you value them
What is something that all humans have in common?
After decades of interviewing a range of individuals from Barack Obama to Beyonce to top entrepreneur's and everyday folk, Oprah Winfrey shared that at the end of each interview, her guest would turn to her and quietly ask ‘Was that OK?’
It was through these moments that she discovered that most of us are asking the following questions as we move through life:
Do you see me?
Do you hear me?
Does what I say mean anything to you?
You can call this what you like: Validation, Connection, Belonging - but ultimately we all want to feel like we matter and that we are bringing meaning and purpose to the world around us.
With this in mind, what changes can we make to ensure that those around us feel valued?
Here’s some actionable behaviours that I’ve come up with:
- Put down your phone when someone is talking to you
- Practice active listening and be present with what others are saying - don’t just be waiting for a gap in the conversation to speak yourself
- Try to remember small details about people (e.g. names, how many children they have, what town/city they are from etc.)
- Ask for other people’s opinions, especially on topics that are of interest to them
- Acknowledge those serving you in a store or service role with a smile and make eye contact with them. Don’t let ‘busyness’ steal your common humanity
- Be generous with compliments. If you think that someone has done a great job, is wearing nice shoes or has qualities that you admire, tell them!
- Treat everyone with courtesy. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone or even give everyone your time but you DO have to treat every human with basic respect. Please, thank you and polite language ensures that people are treated with dignity
- Respect peoples time. If you have agreed to call or meet someone then be reliable and show up on time
- Avoid talking about others when they are not around, especially if it’s not something that you would say to their face
- Make generous assumptions about others. If someone is a little short with you or they have ‘dropped the ball’, instead of assuming the worst, why not give them the benefit of the doubt (at least a few times) as we are all fighting battles that no-one knows about
This is not an exhaustive list but just some food for thought. I’m not perfect at this, but I am committed to practicing the above in my own life.
Is there anything else you can think of?
More inspiration
Trying new things can be hard. Especially if we are not accustomed to stepping outside of our comfort zone regularly. Therefore, if you have never attended a yoga studio before, it might feel nerve wracking. You may even find yourself thinking some of the following…
I'm all too familiar with staying in a 'safe space' of what is familiar or comfortable but I've learnt over the years that I need to become comfortable with discomfort (although this is a daily practice). Particularly when it comes to trying new things. We might stay in our comfort zone for many reasons: fear of looking silly, fear of failure, fear of judgement, fear of truly being seen, fear of not living in the box that we have put ourselves in, or that others have put us in (how obedient of us!) The list goes on. I've discovered however, that once we courageously push through a fear, it's amazing how the force of that fear loses momentum and we realise that the worst part of the experience was fear itself. Often the outcome is a lot more underwhelming than we might have thought! You might ask yourself, Why on earth was I so afraid? The good news is, for that bravery we are usually rewarded in some way. Whether its learning a new skill, building confidence in a certain area, making a new connection, gaining respect for ourselves or from others, or even learning a lesson if things don't go the way we had hoped. Most importantly we strengthen our courage 'muscle' 💪
Over the past couple of years I've been studying the practice of self-compassion. Before I started delving into this topic, I probably couldn’t have given you a clear definition of what this term really meant. It sounded lovely in my head but I didn’t really have the understanding of what it really was to put it into words. Kristen Neff PhD is a pioneer in this topic and what I've written below is inspired by her comprehensive work that she has done on the topic of compassion. SO, what is self-compassion? Self compassion is the sum of three components: Mindfulness Self-Kindness Common Humanity When we practise self compassion we are treating ourselves like we would a dear friend and becoming an ally for ourselves (self-kindness). This doesn’t mean that we are ‘letting’ ourselves get away with destructive behaviour as an important distinction is that we are practising self compassion with wisdom. Self compassion allows us to acknowledge our suffering by turning towards it (mindfulness), offering ourselves kindness and understanding, acknowledging that we all suffer (common humanity) and then moving forward. It is a practice which means it isn’t always easy and we can experience distress upon offering ourselves self compassion. This can be a good sign and it is something that needs to be worked with via allowing, reducing or regulating. Why is it useful? Self compassion is useful because it allows us to free ourselves from ourselves. Meaning, our harsh inner critic is often the one that is holding us back in life. For example it might hold us back from trying new things. Our inner critic might tell us that we aren’t capable of something or that we are a bad person for making a mistake which could cause us to feel unworthy of love or connection with others. When we are able to greet ourselves like a friend, from a genuine place, we are more likely to move about the world with ease. When we do inevitably fail or slip up, which we all do, we are able to pick ourselves back up with kindness and brush ourselves off by acknowledging the pain, learning from it, but then moving on without ruminating or prolonging suffering. Self compassion is also useful, as it means that we are more likely to take personal responsibility for actions and avoid repeating mistakes - which is backed up by research findings. It also allows us to acknowledge that we are connected to all other living beings and that we must practice compassion towards others as they are imperfect just like ourselves.