What is self-compassion?
Over the past couple of years I've been studying the practice of self-compassion. Before I started delving into this topic, I probably couldn’t have given you a clear definition of what this term really meant. It sounded lovely in my head but I didn’t really have the understanding of what it really was to put it into words.
Kristen Neff PhD is a pioneer in this topic and what I've written below is inspired by her comprehensive work that she has done on the topic of compassion.
SO, what is self-compassion?
Self compassion is the sum of three components:
- Mindfulness
- Self-Kindness
- Common Humanity
When we practise self compassion we are treating ourselves like we would a dear friend and becoming an ally for ourselves (self-kindness). This doesn’t mean that we are ‘letting’ ourselves get away with destructive behaviour as an important distinction is that we are practising self compassion with wisdom.
Self compassion allows us to acknowledge our suffering by turning towards it (mindfulness), offering ourselves kindness and understanding, acknowledging that we all suffer (common humanity) and then moving forward.
It is a
practice which means it isn’t always easy and we can experience distress upon offering ourselves self compassion. This can be a good sign and it is something that needs to be worked with via allowing, reducing or regulating.
Why is it useful?
Self compassion is useful because it allows us to free ourselves from ourselves. Meaning, our harsh inner critic is often the one that is holding us back in life. For example it might hold us back from trying new things. Our inner critic might tell us that we aren’t capable of something or that we are a bad person for making a mistake which could cause us to feel unworthy of love or connection with others.
When we are able to greet ourselves like a friend, from a genuine place, we are more likely to move about the world with ease.
When we do inevitably fail or slip up, which we all do, we are able to pick ourselves back up with kindness and brush ourselves off by acknowledging the pain, learning from it, but then moving on without ruminating or prolonging suffering.
Self compassion is also useful, as it means that we are more likely to take personal responsibility for actions and avoid repeating mistakes - which is backed up by research findings. It also allows us to acknowledge that we are connected to all other living beings and that we must practice compassion towards others as they are imperfect just like ourselves.
“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love”
-Brene Brown
I’m a believer that learning to practice self-compassion can be a truly deep and healing experience. It can create some bumps along the way and it might not always be pretty, but practising it gently and even with the guidance of a trained professional might just transform your life.
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